The fascinating story behind the Principality of New Utopia
Are you an aging ultra-libertarian who recently came across the wonderdrug called HGH (Human Growth Hormone)?
Did you first hear about this amazing chemical in the mid-90s and became convinced it was the future of humanity?
Did you then get it prescribed under dubious circumstances for years while attending ‘health clinics’?
Perhaps you grew frustrated after the drug became widely used in Major League Baseball where the scandal led the drug to be classified as a controlled substance.
Maybe this sparked a deep hatred for the government and all of the power they had over an individual.
I suppose you may have even had an entirely rational solution to that new problem.
A resolution involving you gathering a few billion dollars, heading out into the Caribbean, and starting a man-made capitalist island paradise.
An island where you, the über libertarian, would naturally rule as a literal king.
If this sounds like you, then your name is probably Lazarus Long.
After legally changing it from Howard Turney, that is.
The Principality of New Utopia
Howard Turney was an avid self-experimenting pseudo-psychopath who loved the idea of staying young forever.
He hated governments.
Especially governments who slapped his hand whenever he reached into the HGH cookie jar.
And he was responsible for the idea of New Utopia. An ultra-libertarian island paradise where he and all his friends could hang out doing whatever they wanted.
The general idea? The government can’t control HGH if the government was pro HGH.
Howard really, really, really liked HGH.
But his principles wouldn’t allow him to just try to recreate it or obtain it illegally. No, that would be absurd.
So he went with the next best logical thing of trying to gather billions in funding to create a man-made island in the middle of the Caribbean where a reef was submerged 60 feet underwater.
He didn’t want to create your regular old tropical paradise island nation either.
No, his ideal new country had visions of a world-class hospital clinic, a grand casino, 700 condominiums, a full harbor, and a freaking airport.
All on a man-made structure that would somehow defy the salty ocean wind, the pummelling hurricanes, and basically the laws of nature itself.
Somewhere along the path of creating this new lovely island, Howard felt his name no longer suited his purpose.
He needed a name befitting a king — literally. As that was his chosen form of ruling for the world’s newest country.
In 1995, after taking HGH religiously for 2 years, he felt his newfound fountain of youth meant he was pretty much immortal.
This seemed familiar to him because one of his favorite authors outlined a character who was also immortal.
A character who became immortal after taking a magical rejuvenation treatment at the book’s version of a ‘health clinic.’
That character’s name?
Yup, you probably guessed it if you’ve been paying attention.
Lazarus Long.
Howard really, really, really liked HGH.
How do you create a country?
Creating a “Venice of the Caribbean” can’t be easy.
First, he needed money — to the tune of a few billion.
And in 1999, this wacky new thing called the Internet was rolling around. Surely this would be the answer to his dream of a libertarian society for all to enjoy equally.
Except for him as the king of course.
He wouldn’t want to be seen as a mere mortal, would he? That’s such pleb-thinking.
Lazarus set out to raise funds in this new online world.
But fraudulently of course.
He reached out around the world via his website offering shares and bonds to raise money for this massive undertaking.
He sought a mere $100 million — enough to get the project off the ground and rolling. And he was making great progress, he told his friends.
He had already raised $24,000!
But of course, that pesky American government got involved again. Those rascals over at the SEC apparently didn’t like him committing “fraud.”
In a complete coincidence, Lazzy wasn’t able to pay any of the $24,000 back to the SEC after being successfully sued.
It seems he had spent all of the money on something.
I can H-ardly G-uess w-H-at that would be, though.
Ideal societies
King Lazarus Long had a grand vision for this island nation. He wanted it to become an ultra business-friendly destination.
Zero income tax. Zero export tax. And only 20% import tax (going to his royal coffers).
He wanted people to be free to do what they want, get top-notch health care, gamble their coins away, and enjoy the tropical climate.
However, he didn’t want it to be completely libertarian.
There would be absolutely no crime or drugs allowed.
Well, except for HGH of course. But that’s not really a drug, it’s a rejuvenation elixir!
When will it be built?
In the end, King Lazarus passed away in 2012 at the age of 80, never seeing his final life goal come to fruition.
But don’t fret, my friends.
His daughter — the Honorable Princess Elizabeth Henderson — has promised in 2017 that she will build the vision of her father and fully complete it by 2021!
So, everyone and anyone, gather round (especially you HGH-loving 90s MLB players), and keep your heads up!
Less than 13 months from now, the new paradise on earth will certainly arise in the Caribbean.
Or not. But who knows.
Perhaps taking HGH for a few years straight will enlighten us. Maybe Sylvestor Stallone has the answer?
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